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Giving this another go [07 Sep 2010|09:32pm]
3/29/09 was my last entry, and the sad part about it, is that I'm in the exact same spot as I have been a year before that post.

everyone around me has moved on to that next stage in life, however I am still stuck here. True there have been some setbacks that have happened to me, but there are people who are able to get out of that funk and manage to make things work for the better. APPARENTLY THAT JUST ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

this year has been the absolute worst and finally after getting a grip on things and having things finally work in my favor they have one again fallen to shit.

My whole intention of restarting on lj is to have proof from how far down I'm at right now, to finally taking things into my own hands and doing what it is that needs to be done. No guarantee that I will finally get my shit straighten out and graduate and move on like how everyone else around me has managed to, at best be shocked if I even manage to get myself back into a therapist office.

Maybe turning 24 will make me get off my ass and become the functioning person I can/should probably be?

we'll just see.
1 Fags.| Light Me Up.

I wonder [28 Mar 2009|09:38pm]
If I will ever feel that passionate.
4 Fags.| Light Me Up.

the same ol story. Seriously,its time for change [28 Dec 2008|01:18pm]
In the beginning it was all in fun, we both thought so.

but why am i upset?
Light Me Up.

it goes both ways. [05 Oct 2008|02:08am]
[ mood | blank ]

Don't make more of it than it is

Light Me Up.

some things never change [23 Aug 2008|02:36pm]
Its not that it haunts me everyday but I can still see it.

When and if I can ever look at you, all im sure I will ever see is a smirk across your face cause aside from what you want people to think I know you did it out of spite.

Why do I even let you win?
Light Me Up.

it was one of those days. [28 Jul 2008|08:12pm]
Will you be man enough to tell me?

figured you wouldnt.
Light Me Up.

cure setlist [06 Jun 2008|10:59am]
Um ok so the cure is here on MONDAY and i want to go so bad but Im so broke after madonna.

little to no changes have happened with the past few stops and here is the set list.

prayers for rain
a strange day

a night like this
the end of the world
to wish impossible things
pictures of you
from the edge of the deep green sea
hot hot hot!!!
please project
the walk
friday i'm in love
inbetween days
just like heaven
a boy i never knew
shake dog shake
never enough
wrong number
one hundred years

Encore 1:
at night
play for today
a forest

Encore 2:
the lovecats
let's go to bed
freak show
close to me
why can't i be you?

Encore 3:
three imaginary boys
fire in cairo
boys don't cry
jumping someone else's train
grinding halt
10:15 saturday night
killing an arab


lets go. I know you want to buy me a ticket.
1 Fags.| Light Me Up.

back to the way we used to [28 May 2008|03:39pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I just dont think i could handle seeing it.

for somereason it was better knowing by myself than being let in on it.

Light Me Up.

have things changed? [07 May 2008|07:31am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

We agreed never to talk to eachother again. We both have done such a good job at it. Lastnight I had this feeling to go and talk with you, and you sensed it. Both of us so fucking stuborn that it wasnt untill the both of us were so completely fadded that either of us were able to leave and have some time alone.

In the midst of our conversation it was just like times. I missed it almost, but I know that if we were ever to get back on the same terms things would be a whole lot worse. I know your games, I know your limits. Without knowing, you told me what really happened and I never thought about it that way. I know how he really is, but does it really shock me that he would do that, especially to me?

Your not completely off the hook, cause there is still that one moment where you question what your about to do. Will we ever see eachother again?

in all honestly, I hope not.

I just think it was best for me, especially with whats going on right now, that things got cleared up.

You were still just a fuck.

Light Me Up.

avoiding studying. [02 May 2008|12:26am]
[ mood | bored ]

Yes this is a weekend full of finals for me. Friday Sunday and Monday. Not to mention how i fucked up my photography final today.

the Friday 5

1. What's one of the nicest things a friend has ever done for you?

gave me a ticket to go with them to see Madonnas Drowned World Tour in Vegas for my Bday.

2. What's one of the nicest things a stranger has ever done for you?
Helped me push my car out of the street

3. What is a trait in another person that you instantly admire, and that draws you to them?

4. What is a trait in another person that instantly repels you, and prevents you from forming a close relationship with them?

Being a big ol queen. I just cant handle those kind of gays. Too much to deal with and have no patients for it.

5. Time to vent: tell us about something rotten someone has done to you.

Where do i begin? I think my entire journal is my answer.

I Have noticed that i rarely update this thing with positive things. Its mostly when im angry or depressed I dont like talking to people about it I write it in here for some odd reason. But i am going tog et myself into the habit of writing in here at least once a week.

that wasnt nearly as long as it should be. I dont want to study anymore.

Light Me Up.

3-4 slam it whore [28 Apr 2008|10:52pm]
I have fallen back in love with vespertine. I found it in a pile of cd's and its been playing non stop.

I think I was meant to find it, With everything thats going on in my life lately, the cd means much more than it did when it first came out.

Everytime I hear Undo, I cant help but break down.
Light Me Up.

[27 Apr 2008|07:14pm]
Theres no such thing as too soon.
Light Me Up.

what is it really [23 Apr 2008|06:08am]
Is it just me, or is this not what I really wanted.

The people I've started to associate myself with are still the same but I find myself bored with them already. I didn't seek them, they just came and I really thought this was what in the cards.

I'm over it.

I'm always bored.
2 Fags.| Light Me Up.

life updated [16 Apr 2008|06:34pm]
[ mood | content ]

after belinda finally got arrested this unexplainable feeling came over me. I do honestly feel bad for her family. I mean as much as i did wish something would happen and it finally did I question the extremeness of it.

In my constant seaarch for a job ( i honestly dont know why i do this to myself. I need to stick with something because this is just getting really pathetic and i dont want to be that person anymore)i finally come to the conculsion that i am tired of all these deadend jobs and that i do need to put myself in the field that i am planning to persue. being that ive been so long without a job and constantly doing shitty side jobs to get money I have decided I will wait till i get what i want. which i know sounds childish but it is something i have decided to do. This week alone I finally sucked it up and applied to the places that i assumed i wouldnt have even had a chance and i have been called back which is good.

things are picking up but my constant fear of this sudden change of good luck is slowing me down. i cant let it do that to me anymore.

I have stopped day dreaming like the stupid perosn in their mid twenties usually does. I am at a place in my life where i honestly believe i know where im going and what i am going to accomplish.

I just wish i had learned this earlier and not wasted those years of my life.

Collin is back in my life in a way, still not sure how that is going but being that our last argument was stupid on both our parts

pushing his limits. trying to see how much i could actually get away with.

Accusing me of something that he has done in his past and not allowing me to explain the the reasons behind my actions

I do now understand that i need to stop being such a creep and looking into the future and take it as it comes. Im still worried about bringing him around my friends. what worries me the most is their kidding jokes i know they would crack and honestly it will make me lose what i do see in him. I know its not about what they think and its all about what i feel but come on now, i cant just turn that switch off just like that.

see there i go again looking into the future.

but honestly I dont see a reason for a relationship on either of our parts, but i jsut feel that something is bound to happen. we shall see.

Im finally doing good in school, going on 3 semesters with no severe fuck ups. So who knows, but next semester i should actually be applying to pharmacy schools, and that excites me. I have been slacking a bit these past few weeks, i blame sxsw. after that trip i came back not wanting to do a damn thing. but finals are jsut a few weeks away so here I am at Bohemios all adderalled up getting my shit done.

about time.

I cut my going out by a lot and i enjoy it. I think i have reached a sort of routine in my life and as much as that scares me casue im 21 and i should be doing anything ande verything i want, this was much needed.

My thoughts lately havent been putting me in such a shitty or sad mood. I have been real good on that and i can feel that good change in everything in my life.

well back to studying i go. I honestly think i may be able to pull an A in this class. HOLD THE PHONE. hahha

2 Fags.| Light Me Up.

is it that time of the year again? [16 Apr 2008|06:20pm]
[ mood | listless ]

Days like this make me wish i would have gone through with it and had enough balls to say something.

I dont know if its the fact that i have done pretty well in not seeing many people and focusing on my studies or I am actually having regrets for the things ive done. I aways say that i need some change in my life and suprise suprise im actually going through with most of them. Ive been quite good lately and am quite hoesntly impresses that its been so easy.

Your only a phone call away and trust me i have been thinking about it.

what is it that im afraid of?

- could you put me back in my old ways?
- could you make me happy
- that im not as strong as I like to think I am??

I dont know what it is but I will find an answer to it real soon.


constantly looking for more people that i can associate with and bring enjoyment back into my everyday life has finally come. Ive stopped being such a mean person and have actually given people a chance but there is that voice in my head that says to stop while im ahead but maybe this is what i really need.

Maybe if I try harder


Constantly leaving myself alone with my thoughts has been working out for the better ( or at least id like to think so)

I found a disgustingly lame hobby that I am in love with and it has given me a chance to go out of my shell and express myself and bring my normal randomly fucked up thoughts to real life and it excites me but im afraid of being criticized which ihave been getting lately. a bit of good and bad but we shall see.

lets see how far i can actually let this go. is it a commpetition with myself or have i left myself with no choice.

I think i have found somebody, and given some situations I have put myself not knowing or doing for a test you have passed pretty well but there are many possible ways this could all pan out.

I honestly think im ready, we shall see.


Am i ready to forgive and forget? the more and more i think about it, i have let petty shit come between us but am i willing to trust you fully?

when im around you, i dont get those feelings anymore which is pretty good but maybe you have just lost eveyrthing i enjoyed about you.

people change all the time. im ready for my change.

the distance between us was worring me but now i think about it, i need to stop being such a whiney bitch and get over it. I dont need you as much as i used to. maybe this is what we both really need.

At least i know when i do need you, you will deliver, dispite the shit you will give me for it.

thats what friends are for.

Light Me Up.

Oh yes. Ive been waiting [03 Apr 2008|11:37pm]
Xiu Xiu is tomorrow. get on the train and come with

Its going to be grand. I cant fuckin wait.
6 Fags.| Light Me Up.

portishead- third LEAK [24 Mar 2008|06:57pm]
Their new album is about to come out APRIL 28th!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you Mr. Internet for leaking most of it.

Machine gun is the first single off it.



Nylon Smile

The Rip

(cant find)

We carry on

Deep Water
(cant find)

Machine Gun

(cant find)

Magic Doors

(cant find)

what do you think???
3 Fags.| Light Me Up.

all things must come to an end. [04 Feb 2008|07:40am]
Well here we are, now lets see how this is going to happen.

Its going to have to be worth the fight.

I just want to be able to look at the sidelines and see you smiling at me.

You will make this all worth it.
Light Me Up.

Its gonna be a long day [31 Jan 2008|01:22pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Ok So Mr Reyes is exactly as dumb as you all think he is. I have had this study guide for mye xam tomrrow but have I dont it NO

So I just popped some adderal so i can get it done. Then off to sleep.

Going to the pro pro tonight for the last rockbox which is going to be super fun cause Um we are gonna trash that place.

after that, no sleeping I have to take CARLA to the fuckin airport ( and of course its not hobby cause that would just make it a bit too easy on me dont you think)
at 5am. Which she is already starting to protest becasue her flight doesnt leave till 730 whatever the fuck she isnt going to be the one who is stuck in traffic on the way back home.

Ugh serioulsy days like this make me wish i still did drugs so it wouldnt be that hard to stay awake.

Ugh murder is life.


Light Me Up.

and its done [29 Jan 2008|12:35am]
I finally did it. Took me long enough.

now i can go to bed.

ME with a camera = no bueno.

watch out kid, Imma blow it up.

the new XIU XIU album WOMAN AS LOVERS comes out today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but im broke as shit untill friday.

Light Me Up.

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